I made a short film that did fairly well about 10 years ago. It was mainly a sex scene that ended in violence. It was more about proving a point and providing allegory than entertainment and as such, it was pretty divisive on the festival circuit, which was really cool to me. Only like 5% of people actually caught the allegory even though I thought I blatantly put it in their face... but c’est la vie.
I also made it that way because I wanted to challenge myself to make a sex scene. In general, I’m not a fan of sex scenes. I don’t like romance stories, even. And to be completely honest, I’m not even a fan of my own sexuality. Deeply rooted Catholic trauma among other things, maybe? I don’t know. Boys who tried to get extra handsy with me left with scars.
But anyway, the most fascinating thing I experienced after directing that film was people suddenly assuming I wanted to be involved in more projects that featured sex. Or that I was even a sexual person. On one film set where I was a PA, a friend of mine who was producing (who also worked on my film) came up to me and told me about his latest sexual exploits that morning.
I kind of tuned him out and walked away. Ultimately, I just don’t care aside from trying to figure out why in the hell you’re telling me these things. If anything, I’m on the asexuality spectrum, not that it matters to anyone.
I just think people are weird and the assumptions people jump to are always interesting. I’m also fascinated by the assumption that just because I am kind in many ways, that I can’t/won’t be aggressive or assertive. But since so few people actually know about it, I’ll tell you a secret. Ultraviolence is my middle name. Up until my rib broke a few years ago, none of the bones I broke were my own... but I will never purposefully harm an animal. I was accused of breaking a horse’s nose at a barn I worked at when I first moved to Washington and it was such an insane accusation that still baffles me to this day (and honestly, it’s amazing I even still work in that industry after that whole debacle)... mostly because people who watch me with horses now pretty much assume I’m “too nice” to horses. No assumption of me is correct. Not a single person actually knows me, aside from my husband. No matter how honest I am with my personal presentation, people will only see me through their filtered lenses. And that is just so interesting to me.
